


Secrets Don't Make Friends (But They May Keep Them)

by coachdad (catsnore)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Jokes, Gender Dysphoria, Growing Up, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, MWPP, Marauders' Era, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7841161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsnore/pseuds/coachdad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As far as Remus has always been concerned, he has an embarrassing secret and a dangerous one. During his time at Hogwarts, he has to deal with both of them. But it's fine. He can handle it, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just so y'all know this chapter is pretty much about Remus dealing with puberty as a trans dude. That includes periods, though they're not discussed in graphic detail. Look forward to: Sirius hitting himself in the face with a bed frame and James getting a pad stuck to his face. So there's that.

Remus Lupin arrived at the hospital wing long before the sun had risen with a peculiar look on his face. His hands clenched and unclenched in his sleeves, and he scolded himself. Really, he had no need to be as shaken as he was. He knew this day was bound to happen eventually, if only he’d been properly thinking about it. How could he have forgotten? Now that it had actually happened, he couldn’t believe he’d been so thoughtless. In any case, it was best to get the ordeal over with so he could go back to his bed before the others awoke. Perhaps if he did this quickly enough, he could fall asleep and awaken to the realization that this was all a bad dream.

He quickly squashed that train of thought. This really wasn’t terrible. He’d certainly had worse mornings. What was a little blood on the sheets, in the grand scheme of things? It was nothing, really. He could handle it no problem. Despite his mental coaching, though, a ball of dread started to form in his abdomen. Or were those just cramps? He couldn’t be sure. Nevertheless, he cleared his throat once, took a deep breath to steady himself, and pushed the door open.

The wing was entirely empty of students, aside from one bed in the far corner with the curtains drawn around it. Madam Pomfrey sat at her desk, scratching away at some parchment with a focused look on her face. She didn’t notice the soft creak of the door, or the footsteps advancing towards her desk. It wasn’t until he coughed softly that she realized someone else was there. She started and looked up at the small figure standing in front of her desk. The surprise on her face quickly gave way to a gentle smile.

“Mr. Lupin, you startled me!” she chirped, standing up and wiping her hands on her apron. “Is there anything you need, dear?” She was used to his visits in the week or so leading up to the full moon, but she could swear that night wouldn’t be for two more weeks… Had she lost track of time? The thirteen-year-old in front of her certainly didn’t look ill in the same way he usually did before he changed, but far be it from her to assume how he was feeling.

Lupin shifted uncomfortably on his feet and glanced to the side. He took another deep breath, and Pomfrey watched as a mantle of calm settled on his small shoulders. It was almost unsettling how even his voice was when he asked, “Do you have any sanitary napkins, Madam Pomfrey? I won’t be able to get any from home for a few days, and my monthly started this morning.” His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but otherwise he showed no signs of discomfort over the topic; no reddened, swollen eyes from crying, no stumbling over the unfamiliar words. Nothing.

His demeanor was a bit off-putting, and Pomfrey needed a moment to digest the question. She’d known of Mr. Lupin’s special circumstances since his enrollment at Hogwarts. Even though she didn’t have an extensive background in treating students with similar situations, he wasn’t the first boy who had come to her with the same question. She should have been preparing him for this day. Puberty was incredibly unforgiving about gender dysphoria, but as she watched him, he seemed like he was taking it well. Better than many children his age.

Pulling herself away from her thoughts, she tutted and bustled over to a cabinet. “Of course I do, dear.” She didn’t notice a significant change in his demeanor as she drew a few cloth pads from the shelves. “I know there’s usually quite the surprising mess at first. Do you need any help-”

“Oh, no, I’m fine. I’ve already sent my pajamas and sheets to the laundry,” Lupin piped up, even managing a smile. Pomfrey could almost completely ignore the bags under his eyes. “I didn’t even wake up any of the others!” He seemed proud of himself as he accepted the pads from her.

Pomfrey couldn’t help the worried tightness that pulled at the corners of her mouth. Of course it was better for the child to not be revealed to his friends before he was ready, but had he really been so serene upon the discovery? She hardly knew of any thirteen-year-olds so level-headed. She knew Lupin approached the full moons with a grim resignation, but is that how the child handled every adversity? It probably wasn’t healthy. In the back of her mind, she hoped he could find some peer support amongst the other third-year Gryffindors. It would do him good.

Before closing the cabinet, she pulled out a small jar of ointment to relieve muscle pain. It was relatively simple to make, and she normally handed it out to students who asked for menstrual supplies. In fact, she was sure Mr. Lupin already had some in his dorm for the rougher post-moon days. Well, it was better to be prepared, she always thought. The boy had a high pain tolerance, but abdominal cramps were never pleasant.

The boy made a face at her offer, however. “It’s quite alright, Madam Pomfrey. I still have plenty. This is all I needed.” He waved the wads of absorbent cloth nonchalantly.

“Now, Mr. Lupin, there’s no need for you to suffer any avoidable pain.” Pomfrey offered the jar again, giving him a stern look. The boy was stubborn about the strangest things, really. “I insist you take this, and drink a cup of peppermint tea at breakfast too.” She all but pushed the ointment into his hands, tutting over his protests.

Remus reluctantly pocketed the jar in his robes, almost sulking. Pomfrey had to hold back a sigh of vexation. Children these days, she could swear. Unable to accept help. He was already backing out of the room, stuffing the pads in his pocket beside the jar. “Are you certain you don’t need anything else?”

He shook his head and mumbled a polite ‘thank you’ before ducking out of the room, presumably to hurry back to his dorm. Pomfrey sighed and returned to her desk, but not before checking on the sleeping seventh-year in the back.

Remus told himself that his heart was pounding when he reached the common room because he’d taken the stairs two at a time. He wasn’t nervous or upset. The thought almost made him laugh aloud as he emerged from the bathroom and slipped back into bed. This was hardly the worst thing his body had thrown at him, after all. Not nearly the most painful or embarrassing morning he’d endured, even recently. It wasn’t even close to the most blood he’d seen on himself upon waking up. Really, it was much less embarrassing than the other, more visible parts of puberty he’d been dealing with for almost two years now, and he’d been just fine.

He told himself he wasn’t crying, his eyes were just wet from his tired yawns into the pillow. Or maybe he was suddenly developing allergies, which explained the stuffy nose he was dealing with. He was only tired, which was why his heart was so heavy in his chest. It was fine, really. He was calm. So calm, in fact, that he decided to dress himself early and watch the sun rise. He needed to write his parents before the others woke up.

* * *

 

Remus John Lupin named himself after his grandfathers at four years old, rejecting the grandmothers’ names he’d been given before. His parents had been bewildered, but they humored him at the time, assuming he’d change his mind. After the werewolf attack, however, they clung to anything they could to bring their child’s joy back; and it became apparent to them that he wasn’t going to change his mind anytime soon. They conceded, and allowed him a legal name change at the same time they registered his lycanthropy at the Ministry. Honestly, by the time he first stepped foot on Hogwarts grounds, he barely remembered a time when he wasn’t considered their son.

His parents reminded him to keep it a secret as they saw him off. Both secrets, actually. They meant well with the pressure, worrying that he would be driven out of school and waste the incredible opportunity Dumbledore had given him. They were sure that he was the only werewolf on the campus, and almost positive that he was the only child who had asserted their gender years after being born. It was dangerous, but they trusted he could handle it.  
And he could handle it, he was sure. He even did a fantastic job of handling it when the morning post came in two days later, dropping a neatly-wrapped parcel into his lap. His mother’s handwriting graced the attached note: “Let us know if you need anything else, love.” Remus smiled despite himself, and tucked the box into his bag without unwrapping it. He knew what was inside.

“What’cha got there, Remus?” James chirped from across the table, behind his massive plate of eggs. Even his mass of curly hair was barely visible. It was almost impressive that he managed to see the package at all.

“Oh, nothing special.” Remus shrugged. “You know my mum worries about me too much.” It wasn’t the first nondescript package he’d received at the table. Usually the boxes were filled with chocolates and other candies, along with medical supplies. Bandages and the like. “She knows the hospital wing is well-stocked, but she insists on these anyway.”

Sirius grinned and elbowed him knowingly. “Almost that time of the month already, huh?”

Remus shot him a glare, but otherwise ignored the comment. If Sirius actually paid attention, he’d remember that the next moon wasn’t for a week and a half. As it was, the joke was too accurate for Remus to find any humor in it.  
He refused to unwrap the box at the table, despite James and Sirius’ protests. This continued until Peter finally stood up and squawked at them to _sod off, for Merlin’s sake_. Much to his despair, they turned their attentions to him, as the protest had caused his voice to crack rather impressively. Remus took the opportunity to tuck into his toast and marmalade. He was _starving_.

* * *

 

It was usually difficult for Remus to detach himself from the other three, especially since they had found out about his lycanthropy. At least one of his dorm-mates usually made transparent excuses about needing to follow him almost everywhere, as if he’d drop to the ground if left unsupervised. It was annoying at best, and made him downright suspicious at worst. What could they possibly hope to gain by watching him so closely? Were they looking for weaknesses to exploit? Reasons to get him expelled? It had taken him months to stop bristling whenever they started a conversation with him, and even longer to stop peeking around corners before actually turning them. He was incredibly unused to trusting people, and he couldn’t fathom why three twelve-year-olds would do anything but tell the whole world about the dangerous beast they shared a dorm with. After a year of adjusting to their overt (and frankly, pushy) loyalty, it was beginning to dawn on Remus that yes, these other kids actually really cared for him for some reason. Their protectiveness was slowly turning from alarming to comforting.

Today though, it was really grating on him. He’d practically had to bolt to get Peter off his arm so he could hide the package under his bed without any prying eyes after breakfast. It was even more difficult to actually go to the toilet without someone following him. All he wanted, all he needed, was three minutes of privacy so he could replace the crinkly wad of fabric he was forced to wear without anyone asking him what that noise was. If only he knew a spell that could make wrappers quiet.

“James, you made a show of washing up less than an hour ago,” Remus grumbled, slouching further into the common room couch. He pulled his knees to his chest and stared into the fireplace. Sometimes he wished he could just Floo home. He needed to leave, but James was professing an urgent need to freshen up again. Of course, this need didn’t arise until Remus had begun to stand up.

Sirius smirked. “Remus, this is important. Don’t you see?” James began to agree with Sirius, which just made his grin wider. “Obviously, he’s afraid Evans won’t smell the cologne he slathered on his face until after she gets in the room.”

Peter snorted into his Herbology homework. James’ face contorted into a scowl, but Sirius continued. “He’s in love, didn’t you know? Don’t inhabit his peacocking- that’s just cruel.” He had a habit of using words that he didn’t fully understand yet, which was obvious in times like this.

“Inhibit,” Remus murmured, smiling despite himself.

Sirius waved a hand dismissively. “That’s what I said.”

“I did not slather my face in cologne!” James’ cheeks puffed out in anger.

“Is that what that horrid smell is?” a dark-haired first year piped up from one of the tables in the corner. The four boys whipped around to face her. “I thought something had died!” Her robes were pulled up to cover most of her face, and her eyes were distinctly watery. “You did that on purpose?!”

Remus took advantage of James’ immediate indignity and Sirius’ whoops of triumph to sneak away silently. He stifled a laugh when James cried out, “It’s _moisturizer_!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You would not know how much time I spent making sure that disposable, adhesive pads existed in 1973. Of course Remus' family would have them even though they're a Muggle invention, but I doubt they fit into the Hogwarts aesthetic, and that Madame Pomfrey would have any in the hospital wing.
> 
> This is the stuff I think about when I write.
> 
> There will most likely be shipping in the later chapters, but right now they're 13. Mostly there's going to be a lot of young friends who love each other, trying to learn how to understand each other. I've always wanted a fic in which real, actual effort is taken by cis people to understand their trans friends, instead of a bland, shallow acceptance of things that have always been completely foreign to them. I'm hoping that I can get it across that this is a story of love, and sometimes people who love each other mess up.
> 
> Remus' experiences are not meant to speak for the experiences of every trans guy. Please keep that in mind. Also, a fun history fact: the word 'transgenderism' was first used in 1965. Until then, trans people's experiences were called 'transsexualism.' By the mid-1970's, though, both "trans-gender" and "trans people" were in use. "Transgenderist" was the word used for people who wanted to transition without gender-reaffirmation surgery. Today we don't use half those words anymore, but that was the lingo at the time. Also, in 1973 (where the story begins), the word cisgender wasn't even invented yet! Language is neat, right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're all kids and they're all having a hard time not doing stuff they won't regret later. At least they can admit when they're wrong.
> 
> (Shoutout to the boyf for beta-ing this chapter before I posted it! A few uncomfy things happened in this chapter, and a few shippy things too. Thanks for sticking with me so far! It's going to get worse before it gets better.)

Remus made it through the next few months without any major incidents. The next few full moons weren’t any more or less difficult than usual, though he had a hard time ignoring the way James’ face paled when he returned sporting a new scar on his cheek. Sometimes Remus wondered if they believed him when he said he was alright, really.

Sometimes he wondered if he believed himself.

The box of disposable sanitary napkins stayed tucked away beneath his bed. A few weeks after the first box arrived, his mother sent a box of tampons in similarly discreet packaging. She included a note reminding him that he was a brave son, and both she and his father were incredibly proud of him. He attached the note to one of the posts on his bed with a firm Sticking Charm. It helped him on the harder days.

All in all, Remus was quite proud of himself for accepting the unwanted changes, even though sometimes he spent a few extra minutes sniffling in the shower. The others never asked him about it. He was sure they either didn’t pay attention or assumed it was a werewolf thing. Was he particularly cranky? He’d probably not slept well. Must be because he was a werewolf. Had he expressed some vague distaste for his body? He was rather small for a boy. Being a werewolf must have stunted his growth. He never joined in when the other boys roughhoused in the dormitory. He was a werewolf, after all. He was probably afraid he’d hurt someone. He had a solid alibi for any out of the ordinary behaviors he expressed, at least as far as his friends were concerned.

 _Lucky me_ , Remus thought grimly, stirring sugar into his second cup of peppermint tea one Saturday afternoon. He’d avoided using the extra ointment Madam Pomfrey had given him. Some part of him concluded that using it would admit his discomfort, and that would mean his body had _won_. Perhaps he was just being stubborn. He didn’t much care. The jar was sitting on one of Sirius’ trunks, and had been since he got a black eye on the moving staircase three weeks ago. Remus had half a mind to open it up and concede to the cramps aching below his skin, but that half of his mind was squashed by his unwillingness to lose. Or move. If he had to be in pain, it would at least be in the comfort of his own bed.

He was enjoying a quiet afternoon, all pain aside. James, Sirius, and Peter were out. They’d been acting strangely since their Transfiguration class a few days ago, but Remus couldn’t think of anything particularly interesting about it. In any case, the time alone gave him a chance to really think. Lately, all three of his friends’ voices had started to squeak and crack at odd times; something he wasn’t really experiencing. His chest was small and could easily be hidden under robes and jumpers for now, but he could tell it wouldn’t stay that way forever. As time went on, the differences between him and the other boys at school would only become more apparent. How much longer could he really risk it here? Maybe his best bet was to finish out the year, cut his losses, and not come back. Every year he stayed in school was a year longer any other werewolf had made it through Hogwarts, after all. He set records every day.

The idea that it wouldn’t be his dangerous secret that drove him back into hiding made it difficult to breathe. He decided to find a book at the library to try and cheer himself up.

 

By the time the others returned from their outing, Remus had taken a trip to the library and was curled up in his bed behind a rather large, dusty text. He usually found that reading was an easy way to distract himself from his darker thoughts and stay calm, and today was no exception. He’d also dipped into the pain-relieving ointment. All in all, he was feeling loads better. He could handle staying in school. It was a delicate balance, but he’d done well enough so far. His earlier thoughts of dropping out were easily combated. It was almost a weekly routine of his at this point.

The first one back was Sirius, breathless and laughing aloud. “Hide me, Remus! He’s coming for me!” He made a motion to dive under Remus’ bed, but was stopped by a stern look.

James stormed in moments later, hand balled into fists at his sides. His dark skin couldn’t hide the deep blush spreading beneath his cheeks. “You’ve done it, Black! I’ve had it!” Were there tears forming in the corners of his eyes? Remus couldn’t be sure, and he dared not look for more than a second.

Sirius yelped and scrambled towards the bathroom, limbs flailing in every direction. James leapt at him, spluttering curses. Remus wasn’t worried. The two of them argued often, but it was much more dramatic than it was actually dangerous. “Mind the mirror, would you?” he asked, almost bored. “Last time you almost smashed it.”

James stuck his head out through the doorway, still pouting. “He’ll deserve it if he does, Remus, you don’t know what he’s done!” Remus could hear Sirius continuing to laugh, even as James turned back to shove him. There was a brief pause, then a thud, before the cackling continued.

“I guess I’ll ask when you’ve finished, then,” Remus mused. He turned to the next page in his book. He could already hear James join in with Sirius’ laughter. It was impossible to keep him from smiling to himself.

“Oh, they didn’t tell you?” Peter closed the dormitory door behind him. He was also out of breath, but from jogging instead of laughing most likely. “Sirius told McKinnon that James fancied him in his Quidditch uniform- thought he should wear it to classes too.” He kicked off his shoes, looking annoyed at the situation. No doubt they’d run off and left him behind.

Sirius hollered again from the bathroom, as if reliving the moment had made it that much funnier. “It’s not like it isn’t something you’ve told us before, James- oi! Quit it, that’s my hair!”

“That doesn’t make it something I want him knowing, does it?” James hissed. Remus could only assume he was giving Sirius a well-deserved noogie, based on the noises he could hear.

“Real men own up to it when they fancy someone, Potter! Even when it’s another bloke!”

Remus snorted into his book, albeit louder than he’d intended. Peter, taking this as a sign that Remus was on his side, sighed dramatically. No doubt in a display of solidarity. Maybe it was that surge of courage that prompted Peter to snicker, “Pretty sure real men don’t fancy other blokes, right Remus?”

Remus froze. His throat was uncomfortably dry, and his fingers gripped the book cover tightly. Peter was still grinning expectantly at him, not noticing his reaction, or perhaps just not understanding it. He had just been teasing, right? It was just a harmless comment, wasn’t it? But in terms of not being a ‘real’ man, wasn’t fancying a bloke a much slighter trespass than his own life? He felt ill. His mouth opened, but only a hoarse breath escaped.

The absurd noises in the bathroom instantly stopped, only for James and Sirius both to barrel out barely a moment later. James still had his fist digging into Sirius’ skull: Sirius was practically giving him a piggyback.

“I didn’t know that was your decision to make, mate.” Sirius’ face was solemn.

Peter looked shocked, “I wasn’t-”

“Hold on a bit.” The heat was quickly returning to Remus’ cheeks, his stupor broken by Sirius’ comment. “You’ve got no right telling Pete off, do you?” There was a short pause. A puzzled look spread across Sirius’ face. Remus’ hands and voice both shook, but he continued. “You were just telling sixth-years about James’ crush, right? That’s dangerous, Sirius.” He stared right at him, hoping to convey the weight of his words. “You can’t just go around telling people’s secrets as a joke.”

“Yeah!” James piped up from Sirius’ shoulders, glasses askew. He was beginning to slip down.

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but thought better of it. He broke eye contact with Remus to stare at the floor, as if what he’d done was just hitting him. There was a soft thump as James finally landed on the floor.

“And _honestly_ , Pete, what the hell was that?” Remus turned to face the other boy, who was beginning to look sufficiently ashamed. He cleared his throat, trying to sound more stern and impartial than he actually was. “Have you got a problem with James admiring the Quidditch players in their uniforms? What’s that even got to do with being a man?”

Even as he spoke, his mind raced. Was it his right to decide what made someone a man? Was he even allowed to question his friend’s judgement? Worse, would his questions make his situation more obvious? What if they realized he was an imposter somehow? What if this started to have them add all the pieces up? Were they already doing that, judging how much of a man he actually was? He was beginning to feel ill again. He swore his heart was pounding through his ribcage. Part of him thought he might vomit.

“Both of you, apologize to James.” Remus closed his book with a thud. “And then to me, for getting me started on a headache.” He didn’t trust his voice any more than that.

As the two sullen boys mumbled their apologies, Remus pulled his blankets up to his head. He lay there for a long time before his heartbeat returned to normal.

 

He didn’t start feeling better about the altercation until James meekly thanked him later. He hadn’t faced any severe repercussions from Sirius’ “joke.” McKinnon, knowing of his obnoxious crush on Lily Evans, hadn’t thought of it as more than a prank. He was grateful that Remus understood. The three of them had approached him on separate occasions to remind him that no one else in the school was going to find out he was a werewolf. His secret was safe with them. Sirius in particular had taken the scolding especially hard. He was walking around looking like he’d tripped over his own puppy. James made a point of saying that he was fine, that was just his “thinking face.”

It took three days for Sirius to finally stop him in the hall after classes. “Can we talk for a bit, Remus?” He looked sheepish with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his robes.

Remus wasn’t surprised, really. Sirius always asked him for advice after sulking. He had no idea why he was usually expected to give sage advice. He wasn’t particularly better at life than any of Sirius’ other friends. Except, now that he thought about it, neither Peter nor James were great at serious conversations. They were both too busy goofing around or looking worried to do much else.

“Sure.” Remus nodded. He wondered if Sirius would cry this time. Last time he and Remus had a heart-to-heart, Sirius ended up going through two handkerchiefs. It was almost impressive.

Sirius sighed, his shoulders relaxing in relief. A broad smile spread across his face. He must have been worried about talking. “Great! Want to go to the lake?”

Remus looked out the window. There were a few dark clouds gathering on the horizon, but they were pretty far away. Besides, it wasn’t like a bit of rain would kill him. He shrugged and nodded. Sirius beamed brighter.

They made small talk the entire way to the lake. Sirius gesticulated wildly, somehow managing to make a story about standing under umbrella flowers into a romance epic akin to Tristan and Isolde. When they arrived at the lake, though, he fell silent for a moment.

“What did you want to say, Sirius?” Remus prodded gently. He knew better than to push too hard. He remembered what happened last time he asked about Sirius’ family.

Sirius took a deep breath. “You remember Saturday, yeah?” Remus nodded, prompting him to continue. “I keep replaying what happened in my head and I can’t _believe_ I did that, but the real rubbish part is _why._ ” He rubbed his upper arms with his hands like he was trying to warm up, even though the air was barely crisp. The smile from before was long gone. “Do you know why I said that?" He paused until Remus shook his head no. "It’s cause I wanted him to get _rejected_ \- what kind of friend wants that?” He was struggling to keep his voice even.

Remus listened in silence. Sirius’ words had caused him to tense up. He stared across the lake in an attempt to keep a neutral expression on his face.

“Is that jealousy? Am I jealous that he’s watching other people? What if he decides he wants to be friends with them instead of us? Instead of me?” His voice cracked on the last word.

“I don’t _want_ to be that kind of person, Remus.” Sirius was almost pleading now. His hands were clenched into fists. He kept going from staring at Remus to looking down at his feet. “James can spend time with anyone he wants, it’s not right for me to try and fuck that up.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s not.” Remus’ jaw was tense. He shuffled a little, trying to keep calm. Sirius was obviously already aware that he messed up: he didn’t need a lecture. “You said you’re jealous? Is that in a friend way or do you. You know... Fancy him?”

This wasn’t the first time Sirius had hinted at having eyes for more than one gender, same as James. Usually Remus thought to himself that the four of them had gravitated towards each other because they could sense that the others were a bit different. That brought up a few questions about Peter, but the point was that both Sirius and James’ queerness was usually a source of comfort for Remus. Mentioning it certainly never made his insides twist like this. He wondered what his problem was.

“I dunno that’s what’s got me so fucked up.” Sirius blushed a bit, but otherwise showed no problems continuing. “I mean, he’s practically my brother by now, but sometimes I think about.” His voice dropped to barely a whisper, and his eyes dropped back to his shoes. The pink tint to his cheeks deepened. “Holding his hands, or something equally stupid and giddy.” The blush on his face had reached critical levels- any more and it would begin to lift into the air or something.

“Well you just said you were worried about him making friends with other people, yeah? That sounds pretty not-romantic to me.” No, Remus was not biased. He was a neutral third party in these events. He pointedly ignored the part about holding hands. “But going around outing him as a joke isn’t a way to stay his best friend.”

“You’re right, I know I fucked up.” Sirius groaned and kicked a few pebbles into the water. The otherwise glassy surface of the lake distorted around the ripples. “I’ll apologize again later. I just needed to sort out my thoughts a bit.”

“Glad I could help. That was really dangerous though.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “You’re the best for talking about this with me, being so straight-laced and all.” He laughed softly. “Betcha didn’t think you’d make friends with a bunch of shirt-lifters at school, yeah?”

That comment seemed to have a dual reaction, as Remus began laughing aloud and rain began to sprinkle from the sky. “I don’t know where you got that idea from, but-” His heart suddenly leapt into his throat in fear, stopping him mid-sentence. His friend  just reaffirmed that he fancied boys, clearly he wouldn’t be judged for admitting he sometimes had similar thoughts. But what if manliness was a strike system? What if boys could be gay, and boys could be transgender, but boys couldn’t be both gay _and_ transgender? If he’d ever tell them his truth, would they bring that up? Could he trust them?

He decided to try. “But my laces are a bit more bent than that,” he quipped, grinning at the taller boy.

Sirius almost collapsed into giggles as thunder rolled overhead. The two of them were still laughing when they reached the common room, leaving a trail of water behind them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All they were trying to do is help him clean before the moon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus does get accidentally outed in this chapter, so it may not be something that everyone can read. I promise that it all ends up ok (spoilers??? im the author sooooo), but it could get a bit uncomfy until they get there. Thanks for reading!  
> I bet you thought I was done with this. Nope.

It was almost time for the winter holiday. Remus was feeling particularly ragged as he climbed the stairs to his dormitory room. The moon was in two days, and his body ached all over. He’d just finished his homework for the next few days in the library, so he didn’t fall behind while he was absent. The other three had left about an hour or so ago, and were probably up to some sort of mischief in the room without him.

This was confirmed as soon as he opened the door. Peter was picking dirty laundry up off the ground. James was dusting as if he was trying to excavate an archaeological site- to be fair, his wardrobe could have easily passed as one at that point. Sirius, for the time being, was nowhere to be found. Peter perked up at the sound of the door creaking open. “Hullo, Remus.” He was a little red in the face, and was almost smothered by the pile of clothes in his arms. “We decided to do some cleaning before the holiday. It was James’ idea.”

James paused in his vigorous dusting to turn around and give a short wave. “Don’t worry, Sirius volunteered to clean for you! Just put your feet up for a bit.” He gave a pointed look in the direction of Remus’ calendar as he said this. They were all keeping track of the full moons by now. They  _ knew _ he felt awful.

Remus’ heart swelled in gratitude, but he couldn’t see Sirius anywhere in the room. Was he even there?

As if to answer his mental question, a muffled voice sounded from the floor. “Don’t even think of cleaning, mate.” It was then that Remus noticed Sirius’ gangly legs sticking out from underneath his bed. He quickly moved to stand up. Remus winced when he heard Sirius’ head hit the frame with a loud thud. Sirius didn’t seem bothered though, and stood up, grasping a broom with both hands. “I’ve got it all under control!” A large red mark was visible on his forehead. Maybe it would bruise.

Remus smiled and nodded. The smile remained on his face when Sirius knelt down beside his bed. It froze on his face when Sirius jiggled the broom handle underneath his bed. It began to falter when Sirius started pushing things out from under his bed using the broom handle. It faded when Sirius crawled out, covered in dust bunnies and holding a box.

“Is this what your mum sent you that one time? Good thing I found it!” He looked proud. Remus’ mind went blank.

The box had been unwrapped and a picture of the product beside the words “sanitary napkins” was clearly visible. The only thing keeping him from screaming was the fact that Sirius seemed to have no idea what he was holding. Of course they wouldn’t, he realized. Not only were most 13-year-old boys blissfully unaware of menstruation, these were Muggle products. There was a good chance they’d never encountered anything like them before.

“Are those some sort of Muggle bandages?” James was looking now, adjusting his glasses quizzically. He crouched down beside Sirius.

Remus thought he might faint.

Sirius pulled one from the packaging and began to unwrap it. The sound made Remus’ skin crawl.

“It’s sticky?” Sirius held it up in the air to examine it and pulled a face. “How’s this supposed to bandage anything?” His examination done, he squashed it against James’ cheek with a surprisingly satisfying slapping sound.

Remus’s mind started racing. Maybe he could get out of this. It was almost comical, how oblivious they were. He still had it all under control. He could shrug it off with a joke, like he always did. He opened his mouth to say something witty, but nothing came out.

“Hold up, I know what these are!” James crowed, ignoring the pad stuck to his face. He pulled another brightly-wrapped package out of the box. “I saw some Hufflepuffs trading them around last year. Said they were for-” He interrupted himself with a loud squeal and pulled the fabric off his face, a horrified expression spreading across his features.

The edges of Remus’ vision were slowly going dark.

James’ shriek had caused Peter to finally look over. “Aren’t those what the Muggleborn girls use for their monthlies?”

“Why’d your mum send you these, mate?”

They all turned to look at him at the same time.

Remus’ voice was caught in his throat. It took so much effort to make a sound that by the time he got anything out, he was full-on bellowing. Sirius dropped the box like it was made of embers, his eyes growing to the size of saucers. James and Peter had similarly startled reactions.

Remus stood there for a moment, breathing hard, before scooping up the box and rushing into the bathroom. His whole head was pounding. He couldn’t tell whether he wasn’t thinking at all or his thoughts were just going too quickly for him to register them. His whole body shook as he pressed it against the bathroom door, just in case anyone tried to open it behind him. He would have locked it, but he didn’t trust himself to move. It seemed like all the air in the room had been drained out. He could hear himself start to cry loudly, but was almost detached from the experience. 

He slowly slid down the door until he was sitting on the ground. A single coherent thought surfaced in his mind:  _ It’s over _ . He had been discovered, and this time it was over something that his friends would never accept him for, right? He’d expected them not to accept that he was a werewolf, but they had approached him with that discovery after realizing it, instead of having everything be revealed at once. It was totally different this time. No doubt they’d want him out of their room. Why wouldn’t they, after all? They were in the boys’ dorm, and real boys didn’t have periods, did they? Not according to the rest of the world. Would they tell anyone else? Would he be forced to live in the girls’ dorm? The wrongness in that thought made him almost sick to his stomach. Even in his panicked state, he  _ knew _ he didn’t belong there. He was happy being a boy. He knew that was who he was, and the thought of it being taken away was terrifying.

 

He didn’t know how long he’d stayed in there, crying and shaking, before there was a soft knock on the door behind him. He froze and held his breath, like that would somehow convince anyone that he suddenly wasn’t there. “Remus?”

It was James, sounding incredibly uncomfortable. It wasn’t often that Remus cried. In fact, the last time he did was when they told him they knew he was a werewolf. Frankly, James wasn’t used to dealing with it. He waited for Remus’ response, but all noise on the other side of the door had stopped. “I know you’re still there, mate, holding your breath isn’t going to work.”

“Easy, Potter,” Sirius hissed. Both of them were crouched down close to the door, with Peter hovering a few feet away wringing his hands.

In the time between Remus’ departure and James’ knock, Sirius had found the box of tampons under the bed, which erased any remaining doubt they’d had of the first box’s purpose. The three of them had spoken in hushed whispers. Of course they’d heard of cross-dressers before, but it seemed this was different, right? It was more than Remus just wearing boys’ clothes without calling himself one. He was half through his third year at the boys’ dormitory, for Pete’s sake. It didn’t seem like he had a reason to pretend to be a boy, only that he was just trying to go to school like the rest of them.But as they talked, they began to put certain pieces together. Could this be why Remus was always up and dressed before anyone else, and refused to change into his pajamas outside of the bathroom? He’d been caught bundling his sheets up to go to the laundry, and looked a little pale when James had made a joke about the rest of them all having been there too. What about the way that Remus was always silent when they complained about puberty together? Or the now-obvious way he seemed to be getting softer, while they were quickly becoming all angles and sharp elbows?

Peter had been level-headed enough to point out that in the grand scheme of things, being a werewolf was a lot scarier than the idea that their friend might have different bits between his legs. They’d accepted that, hadn’t they?

What was their hangup, anyway?, Sirius had asked. This was Remus they were talking about; the one whose quiet demeanor hid a surprisingly biting sarcasm. The one who could knock a dueling opponent on their arse without barely touching his wand. The one who took meticulous notes in class to help his friends, only to be told that they were completely illegible to anyone else. The one who’d had every reason to give up on trying to live with humans, but dragged himself back to the dormitory every month without fail.

That Remus was their best friend, and just because they couldn’t understand everything right now didn’t mean that they couldn’t  _ ever _ .

So James knocked on the door again, and they waited. At least they could hear that Remus was breathing now.

“Come out, Remus. It’s alright, really.” Peter tried speaking first this time.

“We’re not kicking you out, if that’s what you’ve got stuck in your head,” Sirius added, trying to sound reassuring.

It was James’ turn to speak. “And we’re not mad, honest. A bit confused, but that’s all.”

Nothing.

“We’re still friends, Remus,” Sirius pleaded. “I mean, if you’ll still have us after that stunt I pulled with those pads.”

James groaned and rolled his eyes. “You know, I’m not sure  _ I _ want to be your friend anymore after that. Ripping that thing off hurt like mad.”

“I won’t touch them again, they’re all yours from here on out.” Sirius abruptly stopped talking when he heard noises from inside the bathroom.

It started out faint, but after a few moments it became apparent that Remus was laughing. Possibly crying at the same time. They heard some shuffling before the door opened a crack; just enough for Remus to peek out from behind it. His eyes were red and swollen, and the trembling in his chin was impossible to ignore. That coupled with the way his hands shook around the box of napkins was about enough to make Sirius cry too.

“You mean it?” Remus’ voice was low. “You don’t think I’m not a real boy anymore?” His voice wavered on the word real.

James made a face, like he didn’t see that question coming. “Remember when you lost our wizard chess tournament last year and I had you try and deliver chocolates to Evans’ bedside?”

“I still think you charmed that chess set,” Remus mumbled, looking down. He knew where James was going with the story, but decided against interrupting him further. He wanted, no, he  _ needed _ to hear his friend reaffirm that he was still a boy to him.

“I did no such thing, Remus Lupin, how dare you.” James gasped, pressing a hand to his collarbone in mock surprise. He held the pose for a moment before moving on. “But anyway. Do you remember what we all learned that day, when you tried going up the staircase?”

Remus’ eyes began to well up again, but he was smiling this time. “We learned that boys can’t make it up to the girls’ dormitory.”

“Which is bollocks, if you ask me.” Sirius had to add his opinion, as always. “I mean, honestly. As if any one of us would climb those stairs without the most noble of intentions-”

“We also learned a few creative swears when you came crashing down,” James interrupted. Now that he thought about it, he’d never seen someone so relieved to be told that they couldn’t go somewhere as Remus had been that day. Now it made sense. “Point is, none of us are pretending we know much about this whole thing, but that doesn’t mean you’re not our friend.”

“Talk to us, please,” Peter added. “We want to understand, don’t we?” Sirius and James quickly nodded in agreement.

Remus took a deep breath, willing the tension from his shoulders. He had trusted them before, hadn’t he? They had stuck with him so far. “Fine, but no talking until I say I’m done.”

He slowly stepped out of the bathroom.

  
  


The following talk was tense, at least on Remus’ end. He ended up sitting on the ground through all of it. He’d never really explained his story to anyone out loud. The only other people who knew were his parents, who had witnessed his story firsthand, and the professors who had been told by his parents. By the end, his hands were shaking. Peter tried to hand him a glass of water, but he didn’t trust himself to hold it.

There was a heavy pause as three teenaged boys started rethinking the way they saw the world.

“So wait. You  _ picked _ Remus as your name?” Sirius asked, an odd expression on his face.

“Is there a problem with that?” Remus bristled. His eyes narrowed.

“No, it’s just-” To Remus’ horror, Sirius began to start laughing. “Funny you picked such a wolfy name, and then, you know.” He gestured to Remus with his hand.

Remus’ eyes widened as he gasped softly. “Bloody hell,” he groaned, hiding his reddening face in his hands. The other three managed to giggle a bit. He stayed like that for a second before sighing and sitting upright again. “Guess you’re right about that.” A small smile appeared on his face despite how tired he looked.

James grinned, looking relieved. “Thanks for sharing with us, Remus.”

“Not that you had much of a choice,” Peter added, causing everyone’s smiles to fade.

Remus winced. “Yeah, could’ve done without that first part, honestly.” He was  _ exhausted _ . The panic attack and subsequent heart-to-heart had completely drained all of his energy reserves; even more so considering the timing. It dawned on him that he couldn’t feel his legs. The floor was much too hard to sit on during deep conversations.

At that same moment, Sirius seemed to remember the time. He made a face at James and gestured his head towards Remus. James nodded, and the two of them began hoisting Remus up from the ground. “Time for you to hit the sack, mate. Merlin’s beard, you’re light. You need more sweets.”

“Thanks, mum,” Remus scoffed, rolling his eyes. He accepted the help without much more fuss, and even leaned against Sirius a bit before getting into bed. Was it just him, or did Sirius’ face flush a little? It was probably difficult for him, accepting all of this. Remus’ stomach churned.

That feeling stayed with him, even as he drifted into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
